I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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