i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
