she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
