why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wish you could order shots online.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
