found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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