we have pet lesbian snakes
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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