What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize