it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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