So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My liver just had a heart attack.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
