Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
