ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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