Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
