my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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