If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
how does that bad decision feel?
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