Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
