Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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