Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
