I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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