Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
