I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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