his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
