First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He keeps bees of course he's weird
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
