You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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