We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
