Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
