Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
