I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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