I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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