Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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