My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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