the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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