Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
