You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
