if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
