just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
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