remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just found a bag of teeth...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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