who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
