You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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