I molested 6 butterflies tonight
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Randomize
