I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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