i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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