She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
