I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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