I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Randomize
