remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
