This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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