ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
