New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
