my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just gift wrapped bread.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
