i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
