can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
