turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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